I’ve been very quiet lately in the blogosphere, but I am okay – I promise.
I’ve been struggling to write in all honesty, every time I open up a blank document with an idea I can’t seem to find the words I need to properly explain the things I need to say. I guess I have just been in a stage of discovery, rather than reflection, which makes it difficult for me to write.
Since my diagnosis, I’ve really struggled to write about my conditions and my health. My identity as a chronically ill person was so heavily tied to being undiagnosed and frustrated, that when I was given some clarity and understanding, I just didn’t know how to express my identity anymore.
Being diagnosed was certainly not the solution to my problems, but rather, an effective bandage. The injury still hurts, but it is being properly looked after and therefore more manageable. I still struggle with my health on a daily basis, but I have to say, I have not felt this great in years. During this time last year, I was feeling between 1-10% of how I felt at full health, even on my good days. Now, with lifestyle adjustments and medication, I am feeling at around 30-50% of how I felt at full health. It’s not perfect, but it’s a hell of a lot better than I ever expected to feel. I am really happy with my progress.
Even though I have been struggling to write, I am honestly living my life to the fullest at the moment. I am getting out and about almost every single day, making new friends, visiting new places, making so many incredible memories. I feel like I am living the kind of life every 20-something year old deserves, despite my conditions. I’ve spent majority of my summer in the sunshine at the beach either with my head in a book or laughing with my friends and I’ve spent many of my weekend nights drinking and dancing the night away. I am finally getting to act my age and it is better than I thought it ever could be.
Being able to do these things has been so beneficial for my mental health, I have been happy almost everyday for months and that is a huge deal for any person – impaired or otherwise. I feel so grateful everyday to be able to wake up and make my day count, without having to spend the next days or weeks recovering. I am grateful to my doctors for listening and trusting me, to my support network for believing in me and helping me every day, but mostly I am grateful that I was strong enough to see out the bad days and reach the good on the other side because some don’t get that opportunity.
Life is really turning around for me, but I am still so fearful of what the future holds. I find myself feeling anxious about how long feeling like this will last, I know just how quick things can take a turn for the worst. I try not to let this fear of the unknown stop me from enjoying the here and now, but it’s difficult. I can’t help but feel my new found ‘health’ will be stripped from me at any second, I guess this fear needs to be my motivation to just enjoy every second and chase my dreams.
I want to write, more than anything. It’s my greatest dream to publish a novel. A dream I am actively working on by studying a professional writing degree. I guess I am more in a stage of experiencing right now, and not yet completely in the reflection stage which is when I produce my best written work – in my opinion anyway. Experiencing is just as crucial as reflecting when it comes to producing wholesome content, so I am just rolling with it. I haven’t forgotten about my passion for writing, I am just out living my life and discovering so much about myself so someday I’ll be able to write something incredible.
To all my beautiful followers who are going through a similar journey to me but haven’t yet found their answers or the right treatments – please don’t give up. Please hold on to hope. There is another side, and you will find it.