The Reason Why I Write

At first my writing was basically just a journal; a public diary that I vented and explored my thoughts on my new life and the struggles that came with it. It gradually developed into a sort of self-therapy for myself and I realised that writing was helping to keep me sane. It was helping me rediscover myself and my new purpose and was the only thing I was really working towards at the time. While I still do write for myself, the main reason why I write today is for you.

You either read my blogs for one of two reasons:

  • you know me (or know of me) and read because you’re concerned for me and care about my journey


  • You can relate to my journey in some way, either physically or mentally.

For those of you who read because they know and care about me, I write to you because I want to make you aware of the faults in our medical system. I want you to know that when your aunt’s friend’s daughter gets unexplainably sick that you need to tell them they’re not alone and you knew a girl once who went through a similar thing. I want you to believe your friend when they say they are so tired all of a sudden and the doctors can’t figure out why and not jump to the conclusion that they are lazy or exaggerating because, hey, all adults are tired to some extent, right? I want you to tell your friends or family members who are struggling with health issues that they will be ok, maybe not physically but mentally they can get through it. I want you to encourage them to think about things the way I do and even show them my blog and encourage them to read in case I can help them.

I want you to remember my story in case anything like this ever happens to you – I certainly hope it doesn’t, but you never know. If you wake up one day and your life gets turned upside-down like mine did, I want you to remember that one post you read years ago and go back here and re-read it. I want you to know that if anything like this ever does happen to you that you are not alone, not even for a second and I not only want you to read my blogs, but I want you to reach out to me personally.

For those of you who read because they can relate, I write to you because I know how scary it is to feel like there is no one else in the world that gets what you’re going through. While that is kind of true, no two stories are the same, there are plenty of others out there who sort of get it and experience similar hardships. Chronic (and mental) illnesses are so fucking isolating, it literally feels like the universe is against you at all times. This is not a solo battle though, there are so many of us fighting day in and day out. Some of us are fighting to function, others are fighting to be heard by doctors and all of us are fighting our own bodies daily.

I write to you because sometimes it’s nice to know you’re not the only one having a shit time. I also want you to know that not everything has to be shit, there are still small rainbows wherever you’re brave enough to look for them. When you’re going through what we are, it’s really difficult to see the positives because you sometimes don’t even want to bother to look for them. What’s the point of filtering through the shit stuff to only find a tiny gold flake in gallons of mud? Well the point is, the more you shift through the dirt, the more gold you’ll find and eventually you’ll have enough gold to make a ring.

I write because I want to make a difference in the lives of others, I want to help. If you read my blogs and even one sentence makes you think about your life from another perspective or one paragraph helps you deal with your circumstances or even one line just makes you smile, that’s why I write. Each week I am humbled by the emails and comments I get on my blog where you guys tell me how my writing applies to you or someone you know and how powerful it’s been for you to read. I save all of these messages and reread them to remind myself of why I write, so please don’t hesitate to share your story with me, I want to hear it.

Thank you guys so much for giving me plenty of reasons to keep doing what I am doing because for me there is no better feeling in the world than knowing that I am making a difference in your lives by trying to live my best life.

[END NOTE: This idea is explored differently in my older post ‘Why I Blog‘]

Speaking Up About My Silence

I’ve been really hard on myself the last few months for my lack of writing for my blog. I was feeling like I was failing both myself and you guys who so beautifully read my blog each week and I was really upset with myself for not putting in the effort I promised.

It’s not that I didn’t try to write; I definitely did try. In fact, I have about 15 started blogs that just led no where and I scrapped them. Perhaps this was because of my new routine or maybe it was a case of the infamous ‘writers block’. Personally, I think my absence has been due to the negative headspace I’ve been stuck in lately. I kind of decided that because I had nothing positive to say, it was best I say nothing at all.

I’ve realised that this is not what I want for my blog; I want this blog to be real, raw and relatable for my readers. If sometimes that means that there are no rainbows in my posts then so what. Happiness and sunshine is not what being chronically ill or disabled is about, it’s about struggling day in and day out and still getting up every day despite this.

My new promise to you is to be my realest self. If I’m having a shit day, I’m not going to spray some perfume on it and pretend it’s beautiful. I am going to tell you it’s fucking shit, no filters and no bullshit.

This doesn’t mean that my posts will all be like this, it just means that some of them will be. Every part of my journey is important, and, at the end of the day, this website is my documentation of my story and the bad parts are just as important as the great parts.

Where am I at right now?

I am just over it. I am over being sick and all that comes with it. I am sick of throwing thousand after thousand at doctors who take one look at me and put me in the too-hard basket. I am over pretending that I have control of my life and my emotions because I can assure you, I definitely do not. I am over filtering my conversations in case my friends and family get sick of hearing me talk about my health. I am beyond frustrated with this long and tedious journey to find answers and quite frankly I just want it to be done.

I am sad. I sort of see the end of my tunnel being a diagnosis, but I know that’s far from the truth. My diagnosis will be the start of a new, potentially life-long journey that will be hard in different ways. While I know my journey to find a diagnosis will end someday, it makes me so sad to accept the fact that my suffering does not end there. It makes me think what’s the point of this all? And I still don’t really know how to answer that.

I am frustrated beyond description. I feel like I am constantly on the verge of tears – whether they be sadness, frustration or pain tears – they’re always there. It’s not hard to see why it’s been too overwhelming for me to write lately, it’s very hard to maintain a positive outlook when your headspace is where mine is right now.

With pain and suffering comes strength; I know these feelings will pass, or at least subside. I am just working on being the best version of myself I can be and not being so hard on myself all the time because I truly am doing the best I can.

Much love,



Embracing the Positives and Letting Go of the Negatives of 2017

As 2017 comes to an end, I have been thinking about how I am going to close this chapter of my life and start the next one. I want to start 2018 happy, grateful and at peace so that’s how I am going to end 2017. I want to use this post as an opportunity to remind myself of everything that I am grateful for that has come to me in this past year and to let go of any negative emotions that I don’t want to bring with me into the new year. Continue reading

How Did The Sick Girl Cross The Road?

From the time we could walk, we were taught to hold an adults hand and look both ways before crossing a road. Gradually our parents and carers began to give us more and more responsibility when it came to making the decision of if it was safe to cross. After years of training, how to look left and right, the responsibility became our own and suddenly there was no adults hand to hold. Continue reading

My Promise To Practice Self-Love Every Day

I often find myself giving so much to the people around me that I forget to give anything to myself. I use every ounce of my strength to please others and make sure I am always putting a smile on the face of others that I fail to do the same for myself. This then leads to an unhealthy cycle of me expecting others to give me as much as I give them and being disappointed when they don’t. When I say ‘give’ I am not talking about material things, I mean love and effort in my relationships. Continue reading

Reflecting Upon The Significance Of A Diagnosis

For the last 13 months, my focus has been on getting a diagnosis. Looking at the state of my health, it makes sense. I am sick and I don’t know why, therefore I need an answer; a diagnosis. Should getting a diagnosis be the most important thing I am working toward in my life right now? Well that’s what I am trying to figure out. Continue reading