I’ve been really hard on myself the last few months for my lack of writing for my blog. I was feeling like I was failing both myself and you guys who so beautifully read my blog each week and I was really upset with myself for not putting in the effort I promised.
It’s not that I didn’t try to write; I definitely did try. In fact, I have about 15 started blogs that just led no where and I scrapped them. Perhaps this was because of my new routine or maybe it was a case of the infamous ‘writers block’. Personally, I think my absence has been due to the negative headspace I’ve been stuck in lately. I kind of decided that because I had nothing positive to say, it was best I say nothing at all.
I’ve realised that this is not what I want for my blog; I want this blog to be real, raw and relatable for my readers. If sometimes that means that there are no rainbows in my posts then so what. Happiness and sunshine is not what being chronically ill or disabled is about, it’s about struggling day in and day out and still getting up every day despite this.
My new promise to you is to be my realest self. If I’m having a shit day, I’m not going to spray some perfume on it and pretend it’s beautiful. I am going to tell you it’s fucking shit, no filters and no bullshit.
This doesn’t mean that my posts will all be like this, it just means that some of them will be. Every part of my journey is important, and, at the end of the day, this website is my documentation of my story and the bad parts are just as important as the great parts.
Where am I at right now?
I am just over it. I am over being sick and all that comes with it. I am sick of throwing thousand after thousand at doctors who take one look at me and put me in the too-hard basket. I am over pretending that I have control of my life and my emotions because I can assure you, I definitely do not. I am over filtering my conversations in case my friends and family get sick of hearing me talk about my health. I am beyond frustrated with this long and tedious journey to find answers and quite frankly I just want it to be done.
I am sad. I sort of see the end of my tunnel being a diagnosis, but I know that’s far from the truth. My diagnosis will be the start of a new, potentially life-long journey that will be hard in different ways. While I know my journey to find a diagnosis will end someday, it makes me so sad to accept the fact that my suffering does not end there. It makes me think what’s the point of this all? And I still don’t really know how to answer that.
I am frustrated beyond description. I feel like I am constantly on the verge of tears – whether they be sadness, frustration or pain tears – they’re always there. It’s not hard to see why it’s been too overwhelming for me to write lately, it’s very hard to maintain a positive outlook when your headspace is where mine is right now.
With pain and suffering comes strength; I know these feelings will pass, or at least subside. I am just working on being the best version of myself I can be and not being so hard on myself all the time because I truly am doing the best I can.