“What have you been up to?” You ask.
I respond with “Oh you know just the usual, napping, sitting on the couch, Netflix.”
“I’m so jealous! I wish I could stay home every day and watch TV!”
It pains me to hear this because I would give anything to be an able-bodied working, studying girl again. I would happily work your shitty job over what I do. If my lounging around was by choice this would be different, but when watching TV is all you can manage, it gets boring real fast.
This post is not about others being jealous of me though, this post is about me being jealous of everyone around me.
Jealousy has become (to my distaste) a regular part of my life and it sometimes puts a wedge between my friends/family/acquaintances and I. I know it’s not smart to be upset about things I can’t change but I can’t help it. I can’t help but get jealous when I see pictures or hear stories of my friends going on crazy fun adventures. Walks to waterfalls and lookouts that I may physically never be able to get to. When people complain about how crap their jobs are, all I can think about is at least you can work. When I see my friends progress in dance all I can think about is how I want to be the one competing and excelling in new moves. When my partner tells me all about his new hobbies all I can think about is how I’ve lost majority of mine. When my friends talk about uni all I can think about is how badly I want to be back there studying. When others buy themselves nice things all I can think about is how I can’t do that anymore.
I hate that I’ve started to think this way, but it feels as though I can’t help it. I am jealous of almost everyone around me and it’s impacting my relationships. I think it’s partially because I am grieving for my old life, I miss it incredibly and it pains me to see that everyone around me can have everything I want.
I have to stop and think each time I feel jealous – these people deserve all these things, be happy they can still have them. Be happy that your friends and family can experience these things. Don’t be upset that you miss out because that doesn’t help anyone.
It’s harder said than done and sometimes I just want to scream “JUST BE GRATEFUL” at people but I am trying my best. I don’t want to let this illness turn me into a bitter person who is just angry at the world for failing me.
My whole attitude has been based around seeing the good in the bad and being thankful for the little things. It gets hard though when my biggest achievement of the week is doing one load of washing and vacuuming in the same day and yours might be getting a job promotion or a great uni mark.
The issue at hand is that I need to stop comparing my life to others because my life is not the same and there is no way for my body to achieve the same things as others. My life is what it is and I need to accept this 100%. I need to stop being down when I see my friends going out and doing things I can’t and start being more thankful for the things I can do. I think this is an important life lesson for everyone to learn, not just me. Comparing your life to someone else’s is not healthy. Measuring your success against someone else’s is toxic. At the end of the day you determine what is successful and what is not. You determine what is happy and what is not.
For me personally, I need to stop comparing my achievements to others because I can’t physically achieve the same things so there is no point being down on myself for it. I need to learn to love that my friends and family can have the things they want and do things I can’t because at the end of the day I wouldn’t wish this upon my worst enemy. It’s just silly of me to be jealous because I would hate it if those around me lived the kind of life I do.
Jealousy is an issue that I need to work through but I will get there. Some days it’s harder than others but I know I can get through it.
To all my friends and family, please do not feel guilty for sharing your experiences with me. It does make me happy to know you are enjoying the things you love. If anything, I want my situation to be a lesson to you all that life is fragile and that you shouldn’t waste another second of it. Live your life to the fullest, and I will too. My cup may be smaller than yours but I can still use its full potential.