Speaking Up About My Silence

I’ve been really hard on myself the last few months for my lack of writing for my blog. I was feeling like I was failing both myself and you guys who so beautifully read my blog each week and I was really upset with myself for not putting in the effort I promised.

It’s not that I didn’t try to write; I definitely did try. In fact, I have about 15 started blogs that just led no where and I scrapped them. Perhaps this was because of my new routine or maybe it was a case of the infamous ‘writers block’. Personally, I think my absence has been due to the negative headspace I’ve been stuck in lately. I kind of decided that because I had nothing positive to say, it was best I say nothing at all.

I’ve realised that this is not what I want for my blog; I want this blog to be real, raw and relatable for my readers. If sometimes that means that there are no rainbows in my posts then so what. Happiness and sunshine is not what being chronically ill or disabled is about, it’s about struggling day in and day out and still getting up every day despite this.

My new promise to you is to be my realest self. If I’m having a shit day, I’m not going to spray some perfume on it and pretend it’s beautiful. I am going to tell you it’s fucking shit, no filters and no bullshit.

This doesn’t mean that my posts will all be like this, it just means that some of them will be. Every part of my journey is important, and, at the end of the day, this website is my documentation of my story and the bad parts are just as important as the great parts.

Where am I at right now?

I am just over it. I am over being sick and all that comes with it. I am sick of throwing thousand after thousand at doctors who take one look at me and put me in the too-hard basket. I am over pretending that I have control of my life and my emotions because I can assure you, I definitely do not. I am over filtering my conversations in case my friends and family get sick of hearing me talk about my health. I am beyond frustrated with this long and tedious journey to find answers and quite frankly I just want it to be done.

I am sad. I sort of see the end of my tunnel being a diagnosis, but I know that’s far from the truth. My diagnosis will be the start of a new, potentially life-long journey that will be hard in different ways. While I know my journey to find a diagnosis will end someday, it makes me so sad to accept the fact that my suffering does not end there. It makes me think what’s the point of this all? And I still don’t really know how to answer that.

I am frustrated beyond description. I feel like I am constantly on the verge of tears – whether they be sadness, frustration or pain tears – they’re always there. It’s not hard to see why it’s been too overwhelming for me to write lately, it’s very hard to maintain a positive outlook when your headspace is where mine is right now.

With pain and suffering comes strength; I know these feelings will pass, or at least subside. I am just working on being the best version of myself I can be and not being so hard on myself all the time because I truly am doing the best I can.

Much love,



Reflecting Upon The Significance Of A Diagnosis

For the last 13 months, my focus has been on getting a diagnosis. Looking at the state of my health, it makes sense. I am sick and I don’t know why, therefore I need an answer; a diagnosis. Should getting a diagnosis be the most important thing I am working toward in my life right now? Well that’s what I am trying to figure out. Continue reading

10 Ways To Make Doctors’ Appointments More Productive When You Are Chronically Ill & Undiagnosed

Doctors’ appointments can be very daunting and overwhelming when you’re chronically ill and especially if you are undiagnosed like myself. It’s so easy to get caught up in the stress and frustration of doctors’ appointments and have them be unproductive and unpleasant. To avoid this however, I have come up with a list of 10 ways to make doctors’ appointments more productive when you are chronically ill and undiagnosed. Continue reading

My First Year Anniversary: Reflecting On Loss and Rebirth.

Today marks exactly a year since my life changed completely. I’ve been procrastinating writing this post for a while now. I’m still not sure why exactly, but I have. Perhaps I am still trying to process the rollercoaster of emotions that come with any sort of anniversary. Continue reading

The Hardest Thing About Being Undiagnosed is Being Subject To Doubt & Disbelief [VIDEO]

Hi everyone,

I’ve decided to speak about my biggest insecurity and hardest challenge I’ve faced while being undiagnosed and that is being doubted by others – medical professionals, strangers and even close friends and family. Watch my emotional video as I talk about my experiences.  Continue reading

Why It’s Important To Acknowledge The Mental Health Issues That Come With Being Chronically Ill

From my early teenage years, I have suffered from anxiety; however, it has never held me back. Through years of counselling and therapy, I learnt how to manage my anxiety and how to handle my triggers. However, that word is plastered all over my medical records and is something I am almost ashamed to admit in fear that my anxiety will be blamed for my symptoms. In some instances, some of my symptoms actually have been dismissed entirely because I am labelled ‘an anxious person’ by medical professionals. Continue reading

Life’s Tough When You Are Constantly Choosing Between Your Health And Your Experiences

When it comes down to it, I am ‘too sick’ for a lot of things – most things in fact. Some of these things are made totally impossible by my symptoms but others are just made extremely difficult. I’ve been struggling with the ‘extremely difficult’ things lately; do I risk my body totally failing and resulting in immense pain/fatigue or do I play it safe and stay in bed? Continue reading

When Seeking A Diagnosis Feels Like Seeking Disapointment

Going to the doctors is easy; you call and make an appointment, you turn up and discuss your symptoms and then your doctor presents you with an answer and a solution. However this is not the case for people like me, people with rare and chronic conditions that are difficult to diagnose. Did we realise this the first few times we went to the doctors seeking answers? Of course not. We all walked into that office expecting to walk out with answers and treatment. Continue reading

Re-Evaluating My Identity

“Tell us about your self” was written in the empty box underneath my name. This question was one that I had never struggled with before, in fact if anything I struggled to write about myself within the word limits that capped my answer short every time. This question was now one that brought tears to my eyes and churned my stomach. Why is it so hard to answer this simple question? I feel torn between holding onto my old identity and accepting my new one, but I have no idea what my new identity is. Continue reading