Speaking Up About My Silence

I’ve been really hard on myself the last few months for my lack of writing for my blog. I was feeling like I was failing both myself and you guys who so beautifully read my blog each week and I was really upset with myself for not putting in the effort I promised.

It’s not that I didn’t try to write; I definitely did try. In fact, I have about 15 started blogs that just led no where and I scrapped them. Perhaps this was because of my new routine or maybe it was a case of the infamous ‘writers block’. Personally, I think my absence has been due to the negative headspace I’ve been stuck in lately. I kind of decided that because I had nothing positive to say, it was best I say nothing at all.

I’ve realised that this is not what I want for my blog; I want this blog to be real, raw and relatable for my readers. If sometimes that means that there are no rainbows in my posts then so what. Happiness and sunshine is not what being chronically ill or disabled is about, it’s about struggling day in and day out and still getting up every day despite this.

My new promise to you is to be my realest self. If I’m having a shit day, I’m not going to spray some perfume on it and pretend it’s beautiful. I am going to tell you it’s fucking shit, no filters and no bullshit.

This doesn’t mean that my posts will all be like this, it just means that some of them will be. Every part of my journey is important, and, at the end of the day, this website is my documentation of my story and the bad parts are just as important as the great parts.

Where am I at right now?

I am just over it. I am over being sick and all that comes with it. I am sick of throwing thousand after thousand at doctors who take one look at me and put me in the too-hard basket. I am over pretending that I have control of my life and my emotions because I can assure you, I definitely do not. I am over filtering my conversations in case my friends and family get sick of hearing me talk about my health. I am beyond frustrated with this long and tedious journey to find answers and quite frankly I just want it to be done.

I am sad. I sort of see the end of my tunnel being a diagnosis, but I know that’s far from the truth. My diagnosis will be the start of a new, potentially life-long journey that will be hard in different ways. While I know my journey to find a diagnosis will end someday, it makes me so sad to accept the fact that my suffering does not end there. It makes me think what’s the point of this all? And I still don’t really know how to answer that.

I am frustrated beyond description. I feel like I am constantly on the verge of tears – whether they be sadness, frustration or pain tears – they’re always there. It’s not hard to see why it’s been too overwhelming for me to write lately, it’s very hard to maintain a positive outlook when your headspace is where mine is right now.

With pain and suffering comes strength; I know these feelings will pass, or at least subside. I am just working on being the best version of myself I can be and not being so hard on myself all the time because I truly am doing the best I can.

Much love,



How Did The Sick Girl Cross The Road?

From the time we could walk, we were taught to hold an adults hand and look both ways before crossing a road. Gradually our parents and carers began to give us more and more responsibility when it came to making the decision of if it was safe to cross. After years of training, how to look left and right, the responsibility became our own and suddenly there was no adults hand to hold. Continue reading

Life’s Tough When You Are Constantly Choosing Between Your Health And Your Experiences

When it comes down to it, I am ‘too sick’ for a lot of things – most things in fact. Some of these things are made totally impossible by my symptoms but others are just made extremely difficult. I’ve been struggling with the ‘extremely difficult’ things lately; do I risk my body totally failing and resulting in immense pain/fatigue or do I play it safe and stay in bed? Continue reading

Why You Need To Stop Apologising To Your Chronically Ill Friend

I’ve always tried to make myself available and approachable to anyone who needed the extra support. Whether it be my friends going through a hard time, a stranger crying in a bathroom or someone posting a sad status on Facebook – I always offer genuine support and make it clear that I am happy to listen to them when they need to talk. Lately, I’ve noticed a huge change with my friends though, and I need to put a stop to it. Continue reading

I am Thankful for my Illness

We have just passed my six month anniversary of my illness. Typically anniversaries are something to celebrate – so I’ve decided this particular one shouldn’t be any different. I could dwell on the fact that I’m six months into an undiagnosed illness with no signs of a diagnosis anytime soon or I could celebrate all the beautiful things that have come out of this time. I have recently come to the conclusion that overall, I am thankful for my illness. Continue reading

I am Tired of Being Tired

How am I you ask? Fucking tired. Scratch that, I am fucking exhausted. All the time. Every single day.

When I tell you I’m tired (which I can almost guarantee I will; multiple times) I do not mean I am tired because I had a big night or didn’t sleep well last night. When I tell you I am tired, what I actually mean is I am chronically fatigued. Continue reading

Dancing with Words – My Illness as my Dance Partner.

As a dancer, I’ve always expressed my emotions through dance. I would tell a story of my own emotional battles through either my improvisation or my choreography. Lately I have been really down about not being able to physically express my current struggles through dance. I sometimes hear the perfect song and envision myself telling my story through movements and flow. When the realisation kicks in that I most likely will never be able to express myself with dance again, it brings me to tears every time. Continue reading