Sorry for being so MIA over the last few months. My health has been getting worse and I am struggling to maintain any form of routine. I’ve had two major seizures in the last few months which have really taken a toll on my physical and mental health. The first part of this is something I wrote virtually as soon as I came out of a seizure. It started as me making notes of how I felt during the episode and turned into almost a poem. The second is something I wrote the morning after another seizure after being taken to hospital via ambulance.
There is a video of this seizure on my facebook if this is something you would like to see https://www.facebook.com/findingrainbowsinthedark/ Please follow this page as I update it regularly.
That morning, I woke up to a missed call from my doctor telling me one of my results has finally come back positive. I am still waiting for a consultation with my specialist and a new doctor so I really still am in the dark but I have shown positive for 8 strains of Rickettsia; a tick-borne illness that has now become a chronic infection. This is definitely not the whole puzzle, but it is a great start to piecing together what’s been happening to me over the last few years.
You can tell from this poem-like piece that my mental health is/was deteriorating and I was beginning to even question myself in this moment so these results could not have come at a better time for me, I really needed them that day.
The following is raw, unedited and written completely in the moment. It is unstructured and repetitive but it was written the way I needed to say it.
Razor blade tingles
Aching all over
Crushed by glass
HELP IM IN HERE
every movement explodes through my body
PLEASE LET ME OUT
It will be over soon
MY EARS ARE BURNING
STOP MAKING SOUNDS
Is this ever going to end
By my nameless demon
It’s going to be over soon
JUST LET ME OUT
Muscles twitching and tensing
when will this torture end?
My mouth opens suddenly
I can breath
My heart starts slowing and
My muscles relax
I am ok.
I lay strapped down to the bed in the ambulance, my body was failing me. I could hardly move or talk, my chest was tight and my heart was racing.
Worn out, scared, frustrated and at the end of my tether, I begged the universe to give me strength, to show me that I wasn’t going crazy, please – anything.
Sorry is how I felt.
Sorry to my partner, mother and sister who dropped everything to follow me to the hospital. Sorry to the ambulance drivers who clearly thought I was wasting their time. Sorry to everyone who has felt sad for me.
I just needed some validation, a sign, assurance that I am actually going through this all.
Maybe it is in my head, maybe I am going crazy.
I kept telling myself that I was ok, I wasn’t sick. Just stay calm and it would all go away. But it didn’t.
My muscles were spasming and twitching, aching from the constant uncontrollable movement.
A missed call. A voicemail. It was the universe, knocking down my walls to tell me to keep holding on, to keep fighting.
Validation, explanation, relief.